Opinion: water bottle embarrassment ranked

Bottling water for ease of transportation has been an aspect of human civilization for centuries. The first commercialized bottled water was sold in England in 1622 and the first modern reusable water bottle was invented in 1947. Materials like aluminum and plastic were widely accessible for the first time in history. 

In 2023 the average consumer has access to a wide variety of water bottles– from metal to plastic, 17 to 32 ounces, and everywhere in between. You can squeeze, pour, or sip. If like you’re me, someone who is constantly concerned with her outward image, you might want to avoid embarrassment when it comes to water distributing vessels. 

Here is a guide to the least embarrassing water bottles to drink from. 

In dead last is any Gatorade water bottle. I say this as an avid Gatorade water bottle user. The accessibility of a squirt-able nozzle really changes the game for me. I’m constantly thirsty, and not willing to take the time to unscrew every time I need a refreshing drink. 

Still, the idea of drinking from a nipple bottle is absolutely mortifying. I’m such a wittle baby I need a wittle bottle to have my dwink. That’s what I look like drinking from a Gatorade bottle. I look like a wuss. And if you want to avoid that image, the alternative is somehow worse. By squeezing the bottle from afar, aiming the stream into one’s mouth, you look like a jock d-bag. And don’t even think about missing your mouth, or you’ll have a humiliating dark splotch on your shirt. 

Second to last is a wide mouthed screw top, think Nalgene. This water bottle is embarrassing because you have to gape your mouth open like a fish, pouring very slowly and carefully, to ensure no water from the large spout spills onto your face or shirt. This bottle is also useless when in the car. Sudden acceleration or braking will surely leave you with a wet face. 

The next best option for minimal embarrassment is a straw cup. The straw water bottle is very deceiving. You might think there’s no possibility of spilling, but you’re wrong. Slap this bad boy in your backpack and you are sure to bump the top off and make a puddle. Also, making a straw sucking face every time you’re thirsty is a bad look. You will additionally look arrogant. Like, “Oh you think you’re so much better than us because you have a fancy reusable straw and you probably bring iced coffee to school and drink it in your first block class and you’re gonna be so awake while everyone else is tired.” Get a grip. A water bottle should be humble. It shouldn’t be pretty or cute or trendy. It needs to get the job done. Anything exceeding that makes you look pretentious. 

Next is a small mouthed screw top, think S’well. This water bottle is the least embarrassing reusable water bottle since there is little risk of any spillage, and you still remain humble while drinking it. Many in this style are also insulated, so your water will stay cooler for longer, which is an added advantage. The least embarrassing water bottle to drink from is a plastic single use bottle and I’m so sorry to say it. The small opening of these bottles allows one to cover their entire mouth over the incoming stream of water. Only an amateur could spill. You also look incredibly cool when drinking from a plastic bottle, like a musician taking a water break on stage. It’s unfortunate that these bottles are bad for the planet, but I never said this would be ethical.  I’m literally just telling you how to look cool.

So, if you’re a HHS student looking to impress your classmates, heed my advice.