Op/Ed: The lost top 10’s

One of my favorite parts of our newspaper every month is the hilarious top ten, but not every list can make the cut. Here are the top tens of the year that got rejected.

Top 10 Signs Your Substitute Doesn’t Know What They Are Doing

1. They misspell the name of the school
2. They ask you if they can go to the bathroom
3. They’re just looking for someone to help them move
4. They keep the blinds down and keep peeking out
5. They tell you to play dodgeball – in math class
6. They’re handing out hall passes like it’s their job
7. It’s clearly just Bullinger with a fake mustache
8. They keep sharpening the eraser end of a pencil
9. They use a sharpie on the SmartBoard
10. They’re wearing a pilot outfit and keep telling you your cruising altitude

Top 10 Ways to Get Out of a Class Project

1. Call in sick
2. Get eaten by your dog
3. Drop the class
4. Drop the school
5. Trick your group into doing all the work
6. Hypnotize the teacher and make them do the project
7. Forge a letter from the President pardoning you
8. Hack Google Classroom and change the word requirement from 1500 to 15
9. Make the website turnitin.kom and fool the whole class
10. Fake a family emergency – and then make it really happen

Top 10 Signs Your Substitute Is Really Principal Bullinger

1. He points at everyone when he calls their name during roll call
2. He keeps whispering into his tie clip
3. His first lesson is about community building, but he’s teaching science
4. He misspells his fake name
5. His name is Boug Dullinger
6. Asks students how they feel about the school principal …like ….do you think he’s cool?
7. Toupee keeps slipping off
8. His visitor pass is done in crayon
9. He never seems to be in the room when an announcement is made
10. Asks if you know where all the cool kids are “vaporizing”

Top 10 Field Trips We Want to Go On

1. Real-life Fortnite map
2. Bullinger’s Bachelor Pad
3. Ebbing, Missouri
4. The tunnels that El Chapo used to escape prison
5. Just a three hour bus trip
6. Mall of America after dark
7. My dad’s cabin (he has a foosball table guys)
8. Anywhere except the MIA again
9. Get to Tokyo a couple years early for the Olympics
10. Back to when Obama was president

Top 10 AP Study Strategies

1. Pay someone to study for you
2. Read every book in existence
3. Cheat
4. Take some caffeine pills
5. Look at last year’s AP memes
6. Just staple $20 to the test
7. Use Albert.io and try not to cry
8. Watch Ken Burns documentaries to catch up on American history
9. Have surgery to implant a calculator in your arm
10. Don’t